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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26008048">toujours</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nielzikyungwoon/pseuds/nielzikyungwoon'>nielzikyungwoon</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Maze Runner (Movies), The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types, The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, one-sided minewt, platonic soulmates minewt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:29:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,683</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26008048</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nielzikyungwoon/pseuds/nielzikyungwoon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>newt falls for the greenie,</p><p>even if the greenie falls for someone else.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Newt/Thomas (Maze Runner)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>toujours</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>finally moving my first ever ff to ao3 [after 2 years, yayy] . sorry if the writing is bad, my 14 year-old self was bad af at it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>toujours</i>
</p><p>
  <i>(tuˈʒuʀ; to̅ozho̅orˈ)</i>
</p><p>-&gt; a French word meaning <i>always,</i> continually, <b><i>forever</i></b></p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>&lt;------------------------------&gt;</p>
</div>newt never saw anything as beautiful anymore. living in the glade where everything was the same every single day plus dedicating almost each second of these said days running around the maze and mapping it made him think that nothing was special, nothing was worth it, not anymore. why, you ask? well, deep inside him, he knew. he just knew. knew that there was absolutely no way out of this place - this <i>hellhole.</i> why keep trying, pretending, that there would be a way out when he knew that everything was already hopeless, bleak? he, of all people, should know why it was like this. he was a runner and he had been for the long time he'd been here.<p>so here he was today, after begging minho to give him just today to not go inside the maze and just do his duties as second-in-command, <i>("come on, minho, please. just today, take my place first I'm so tired." "aish, fine. BUT just for today, alright?" "yeah, yeah. i owe you one. what was that word by the way?" "huh? dunno really. i think it's got something to do with the fact that I look different from most of shanks. sounds like I heard it a lot from where the shuck I came from."),</i> just sitting - waiting - for the box to come up with the newest greenie; it was that time of the month anyway. it was late today and it was honestly just <i>pissing him off. </i></p><p>
  <i>bloody hell. how much longer will this thing take?</i>
</p><p>the siren suddenly went off, notifying all the gladers that the box was here - the greenie was here. they all started to surround the box, alby on his left, ready to see the newest member of the glade, and gally on his right. when the siren stopped, gally just went on and opened the box, lowering the rope that the greenie was to grab onto. it didn't take long before the greenie was almost up and out of the box, with alby and gally helping him get out. </p><p>once the greenie was out, newt's eyes widened. his heart just started to run a marathon. a <i>bloody</i> marathon. why it was beating so fast and felt like it could be heard by all the gladers, he didn't know. <i>why did he feel like this? and why did it only start when he happened to just, well, </i>look <i>at the greenie. </i>his heart continued to pound loudly as the greenie turned almost a whole 360 degrees, just trying to look at the whole of the glade. he hadn't seen the newbie's face clearly as he got out of the box facing alby and started to turn a clockwise circle.</p><p>after completing his circle, the greenie finally stopped and turned his gaze to him. suddenly, his heart just <i>stopped.</i> he got lost in those mesmerizing dark hazel eyes that gave him a sense of <i>warmth</i> and <i>home.</i> his heart started to beat quickly, loudly, again. it seemed like a fire started from within him; a fire that gave him a new hope, a reason to live and start once again. everything went blank and he had no words at all except for one - one that was directed towards the newest member of the glade, one that he hardly ever thought of anymore and deemed applicable in his life at this point.</p><p>one word, nine letters, a word that was never really used on boys for him but somehow, this one was just the living epitome of it.</p><p>
  <i>beautiful.</i>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>&lt;------------------------------&gt;</p>
</div>the greenie, thomas now, was assigned to him the next day. he would be the one to give him the tour of the glade and introduce him to the gladers all around (much to minho's dismay - <i>"you said ONE day, newt. are you sure you know how to count?" "yeah, shuckface, i'm sure i can. and yeah, i said one day but what can I do when alby assigned me to him?" "YOU OWE ME BIG TIME, SHUCKING SHUCKFACED SHANK!").</i> he was just waiting in the gardens and talking to the track-hoes while looking around for the greenie. as soon as thomas was in his line of sight, his heart started to beat loudly again.<p><i>why the bloody hell are you like this again?</i> </p><p>it just started to do cartwheels when thomas came up to him and asked,</p><p>"uh, newt, r-right? alby told me you were the one to, uh, give me the tour."</p><p>"um, yeah. 'm newt, second in command." </p><p>he was actually happy he managed to get that out without stuttering as his heart continued to do acrobatics in his chest. </p><p>
  <i>keep calm, bloody shuckin' organ.</i>
</p><p>"so, let's actually start the tour while it's still morning, yeah? so that we'll have more time get to know each part and where you'll be assigned plus the keepers  but first, tommy, right?" </p><p>he pushed off the post he was leaning on and started to go to the homestead with thomas following closely behind.</p><p>"um, t-thomas but, uh, yeah." </p><p>the greenie slowed down before eventually stopping while looking at the ground.</p><p>"tommy, thomas. same thing, right?" </p><p>newt felt him stop so he did as well before turning around to face the newbie, offering a smile. </p><p>thomas took a deep breath before looking up into newt's eyes. he offered a <strike>breathtaking, heart-stopping, sweet, honey-like</strike> smile (that definitely did NOT make Newt's heart beat faster and start pounding, breaking, his rib cage).</p><p> "yeah, definitely."</p><p>newt felt paralyzed from the smile thomas - tommy - offered him, causing his own to stay plastered on his face. <i>he felt shucking happy and joyful inside; he just wanted to scream out loud but didn't even know the reason as to why.</i></p><p>it was in that moment that he realized that there was definitely something there within him that he just couldn't explain. something that he only felt when the greenie was around him. he knew then that this newbie would mean something to him, make him never want to leave his side, always make him feel something he didn't know as of now. and so, he promised himself that he would do his best to find out one day what that something was.</p><p>
  <i>i'm getting myself further to something I know I can never come back and turn away from, I just know it.</i>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>&lt;------------------------------&gt;</p>
</div>spending the following 3 days together, it was inevitable that the two would become friends - close ones at that. newt's feelings just kept on growing stronger and stronger everyday instead of eventually losing it like he had initially hoped (he wished for something <i>more</i> than friends with thomas everyday too, although he hid it deep, deep inside him as he himself didn't know what it meant yet). he kept trying to figure it out, almost every single moment of everyday, but to no avail.<p>
  <i>it's not being angry, definitely not. it's not being sad too. it's a bit like happiness, just more intense. a LOT more intense actually. i feel so giddy, elated, and all that klunk whenever he's near, whenever he's here. </i>
</p><p>it took him a few days (another 3 specifically) before he finally figured out what that <i>something</i> he felt before was while he was looking at thomas as the newbie smiled at him one early morning from across the gardens before he entered the maze with minho (the keeper finally got him to get back to being a runner after his small talk with the second-in-command, <i>"look, I know you and the greenie have gotten close, like really close. you guys are not only newt and thomas nowadays but actually newtandthomas. but newt, PRIORITIES FIRST, YOU SHANK!", </i>before flicking him quite strongly on his forehead). </p><p>
  <i>it must be love. i mean, what else could it be? i never felt it before and i never really experienced it myself before the maze (maybe) but i gather that it feels something really close to, if not, this. this feeling of warmth when i'm around him, the sense of calm, peace, hope, and of home he brings to me. he's always on my mind no matter what I do. my heart feels like it'd explode from beating too fast, ready to jump out of my chest and into his arms. but, i'd be ready to do anything to be close to him, even if it means not telling him what i feel. i'm suddenly so scared, bloody scared, of losing him. so it's alright for me to have him with me like this than to risk everything and not have him with me by confessing. it's alright.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>it's alright.</i>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>&lt;------------------------------&gt;</p>
</div>the gladers prepared everything for the bonfire the day the next greenie would have come to the glade. and that, right there, was the problem. <i>would have.</i> for some reason, a month after tommy arrived, a new greenie didn't come to the glade to take away the title from him. it caused quite an uproar from some of the gladers (gally mostly who kept on pointing fingers to thomas) but alby was able to calm them down and convinced them to have the bonfire either way.<p>so here he was with thomas, heart beating fast again while leaning on a log that was placed quite far away from the actual bonfire itself where the gladers were rough housing, trying to beat gally on a game he had made. silence stretched between the two of them as they watched the activities from afar. suddenly, thomas broke it.</p><p>"i feel like something's coming. something that will change things forever here. so, i'll say this now before it may be too late."</p><p>newt calmed his racing<strike>, hopeful</strike> heart and turned his head to face thomas before replying,</p><p>"what is it, tommy?"</p><p>thomas turned his head to face newt too before continuing,</p><p>"t-thanks. for everything. for always being there for me whenever i need you. for making me feel safe. for being my friend, my best friend. thanks, newt."</p><p>
  <i>friend.</i>
</p><p>his heart almost stopped beating. he didn't want to admit it and let it show, but deep inside, the word hurt him. he knew that how he saw thomas was beyond that word already and he was hoping that maybe, just maybe, he'd feel the same way. but just like that, his hopes were shot down.</p><p>"no sweat, greenie. thanks too, you know? for everything."</p><p>they gave each other smiles before just staring. he lied, it honestly hurt so <i>so much</i> but he had to lie, to keep them being close - being <i>friends. </i></p><p>thomas' first words hit him, and he was scared. for all the time that he'd been here, nothing unusual happened. everyday was almost like a cycle already. but then, things became strange today. something suddenly started to change. he was honest to god <i>scared</i> of everything that could happen. he didn't want anything to change. so he needed to assure himself that at least <i>one thing</i> would be constant, even if it wasn't in the way he wanted it to be.</p><p>he reached for thomas' hand and put his on top of it.</p><p>"you're my guardian angel, you know that right, tommy? my angel. you keep me calm and happy and just... things changed a while ago and everything might end up changing. so just promise me one thing, yeah? we'll always be friends, right? no matter what."</p><p>thomas just smiled warmly at him and turned his hand around so that it could be clasped with newt's.</p><p>"yeah, newt. No matter what. i'll always by your angel."</p><p>newt returned the smile before holding thomas' hand tightly.</p><p>"yeah, my angel."</p><p>
  <i>my angel.</i>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>&lt;------------------------------&gt;</p>
</div>seeing as thomas was now a runner after having proved himself worthy to be one, they just became closer to each other, if it was even possible. they went out into the maze together everyday for a whole 2 weeks and newt was honestly happy - happier than before. even minho saw the positive change (<i>"it's because of the greenie, right? that you're this happy?", he told newt one day. "what makes you say that?" minho just chuckled before continuing, "shuckface. I've been friends with you for so long, newt. i saw how you had this sad time before he was here. and now that he's here, it's like you have this new spark within you. you're suddenly smiling and you ARE all smiley the whole day."</i>)<p>everything was going alright for newt. he became this bright, better person that was contented to have thomas beside him, even if it was just as a friend. </p><p>everything was going fine. </p><p>until it wasn't.</p><p>thomas started to avoid him. he started to make these excuses that he was doing something else whenever newt wanted to spend time with him. he said that he asked minho to take his place as newt's partner in mapping the maze because he was feeling sick and wanted to stay in the infirmary first. newt would have believed him if he hadn't used the same excuse three days straight and asked jeff if he was already alright (jeff said that thomas hadn't even went inside the infirmary).</p><p>one day after coming back from the maze, he told minho that he'd look around (minho had all the maps they made). he started going around before he saw thomas looking at him. he changed his direction to go to him and ask him what was wrong when he heard gally's voice from behind him.</p><p>"d'you have a fight with your <i>boyfriend,</i> newt? is that why he hadn't been going with you since a few days ago?"</p><p>he saw thomas flinch at the word boyfriend and his eyes widened. he was afraid at first that the others knew about how he felt towards thomas but no one else but minho could read him, right? </p><p><i>was that the reason why he had been avoiding him? because of these</i> rumors? <i>does he think of me differently now?</i></p><p>
  <i>what if I lose him because of this?</i>
</p><p>he stopped walking until he saw gally's shadow leave. he immediately went to thomas who had his gaze stuck on the ground.</p><p>"was that why you were avoiding me? because of the rumors?"</p><p>thomas didn't look up. but he answered him,</p><p>"y-yeah. gally accused me of being your boyfriend three days ago and it just scared me. it scared me how people saw our closeness and interpreted it differently. you're my best friend, newt. my <i>friend.</i> i don't see you as that way."</p><p>it hurt him to hear those words. it really, <i>really did.</i> but he knew thomas wouldn't avoid him just like that. he knew there was something else that thomas wasn't telling him.</p><p>"we both know the truth, tommy. we aren't like that. so why believe them? i know you. you wouldn't be like this just because of that. there's something else, isn't there? we're friends, tommy. we trust each other. so tell me. please."</p><p>thomas took a deep breath before continuing,</p><p>"there're other rumors, newt. rumors about you liking me. is that true?"</p><p>newt froze. he just felt numb. his heart started to beat fast, so fast from being nervous. his breath hitched and he couldn't breathe. all movement from him just stopped.</p><p>
  <i>what if i lose him?</i>
</p><p>thomas felt him freeze and he lifted his head up to look at him. from all the days he spent by newt, he didn't need words. words to confirm that what he asked was real. </p><p>"it's real? newt, i-i'm so s-sorry. you know that you're my friend and you always will be. i don't see you as more than that. i wish i could but, i just can't. i'm so so sorry."</p><p>newt's eyes started to tear up at his words. but he didn't want to let him see him like this. so he tilted his face towards the ground and took a deep breath to compose himself.</p><p>
  <i>i'm going to lose him, aren't i?</i>
</p><p>he heard thomas take a deep breath before speaking up,</p><p>"m-maybe, maybe we need some time away from each other. i just - i'm sorry, newt. i can't ignore what i already know. i know that i hurt you with everything i said. so i know you need your time - time away from me. i'll always be here, okay? always, newt."</p><p>thomas took a moment just looking at the boy in front of him, not saying anything and not even moving. he took a deep breath and turned away after a moment, before walking away.</p><p>when he knew that thomas was gone, his knees gave out. he sat there on the grass on his knees, crying his heart out and not caring that others could see him. he knows that thomas said that he was just giving him time and that he'd always be there for him. but for some reason, it felt as as if it was goodbye.</p><p>with his heart falling into a black abyss, newt let a loud, broken sob escape.</p><p>
  <i>i lost him.</i>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>&lt;------------------------------&gt;</p>
</div>minho saw newt on the grass, crying. he had heard of what happened. his heart hurt to see his friend so fragile, so <i>broken.</i> he helped him stand up and hugged him tightly, as if he never wanted to let go. he took him to the homestead and helped him dry his tears.<p>"take all the time you need, okay newt? i'll tell alby that you won't be able to go back to the maze first. it's okay, newt. it's okay."</p><p>newt broke down from minho's words and reached out to him again, hugging him tightly once more. </p><p>minho was shocked. but once he came back to his senses, he wrapped his arms around newt. his heart broke when newt let out a loud sob. he felt so useless, helpless. so he just let newt hug him for a long time while he whispered softly into newt's ear,</p><p>"it's okay."</p><p>
  <i>it'll be okay.</i>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>&lt;------------------------------&gt;</p>
</div>two months after thomas had arrived, the siren finally blared, signalling the coming of a new greenie. everyone was shocked and gathered quickly around the box. newt was in the front of the small crowd gathered, with minho on his right and alby on his left. he saw thomas across him and his heart <i>hurt.</i><p>ever since the incident, he hadn't spoken to thomas again, not even once. he had tried to fix his heart, and partially succeeded. it couldn't be returned as it was before because it had already broke into a million pieces and no matter how much he tried to glue it back, there would always be cracks now. </p><p>he tried to approach thomas, yes, but whenever he was close enough, his heart would start racing and hurting and he'd lose all of his words. he would be scared of what thomas could say to him or even if he could say anything to him. so he'd end up just backing away and seeking comfort once more in minho's arms.</p><p>things started to become awkward for them because they lost communication and a relationship, no matter what kind, could not function without one. he saw thomas drift further and further away from him and he couldn't do anything but watch because he was scared, he was a coward. he wanted to have the friendship - the closeness - they had before everything went wrong but his mind would be plagued with thousands of <i>what if's.</i> </p><p>thomas drifted and went away, but his feelings for him never did. no matter how far away he was already, he would just find a way to stare at him from afar to make his gray days turn colorful once more although his heart was breaking every single time he did look. </p><p>just like now. </p><p>he was staring at thomas while the other just kept his gaze on the box, waiting for the new greenie. he wanted to reach out right now. he wanted to say that no, he did not have feelings for him anymore, just to spend some time together again to feel the warmth, the peace, and the hope he hadn't been able to feel since that fateful day. he wanted to come back to the home he found in thomas, and feel that for forever. he was ready to remain only as friends if it meant being back in his presence.</p><p>the doors of the box opened and brought him out of his thoughts. minho squeezed his shoulder as a way to tell him to get the greenie. </p><p>as he went down, he felt in his heart as if some greater change would happen, change that would end up hurting him. he shook the thoughts away even if his heart kept on repeating, <i>turn back now, turn back now. </i></p><p>he should have listened.</p><p>when he turned from climbing down to face the greenie, he was shocked. this had never happened before.</p><p>
  <i>"it's a girl."</i>
</p><p>he heard everyone above him gasp. she was unconscious. he saw a note in her hand and got it then read it aloud,</p><p>"she's the last one. ever."</p><p>starting to look back up, he wanted to ask what it meant when suddenly, the girl opened her eyes and gasped out before passing out again,</p><p>
  <i>"thomas."</i>
</p><p>everyone including newt turned to look at thomas. and what he saw broke his heart back again into a million pieces. behind the confusion in his eyes, he saw something else that he never once saw in thomas' eyes.</p><p>one word, nine letters, a word that was never, <i>ever</i> directed to him and never will be no matter how much he hopes, and prays, and tries to keep it all inside him for him to be given another chance to be close to him once more and just be in his presence. </p><p>one word, nine letters that he never knew would extinguish the light - the spark - that had been started within him by the same one word, nine letters.</p><p>one word, nine letters that was <i>only</i> for the girl that lay unconscious in front of him, and not him, <i>never</i> him.</p><p>
  <i>beautiful.</i>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>&lt;------------------------------&gt;</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i may have originally planned for a minewt sequel ?? started it but never really got to finishing it . but lately i've been thinking if i should finish it . let me hear from you guys what you think &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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